Parental Warning: this article contains comical references to prostitution, drug use,guns, sexual relations, death, Sidney Crosby and the Titanic.
Prince Rupert has a new king.
Sure, Jack Mussallem may have been elected mayor but Prince Rupert’s one and true king is now Teddy Keehn, soon to be crowned: King Edward I, ruler of Greater Kaien. Provided, of course, that meets the campaign promises that he made at So You Want To Be Mayor, which was held at the Tom Rooney Theatre on Saturday night.
Put on by members of the Harbour Theatre Society, So You Want To Be Mayor was a mock election where theatre society members went on stage either as themselves or as a character to convince packed theatre to elect them mayor at the end of the night.
The ultimate winner of the contests was Keehn who promised to abolish the office of mayor and install himself as king. As king he promised that he would legalize marijuana in order to increase the town’s population by at least 10,000 people.
To solve the rain issue Keehn said that as king he would use military engineers to come up with a way to have the mountains, that trap the rain clouds in town, removed and relocated to where they really belong: in Terrace. The tops of the flattened mountains would then be used as the world’s largest wind farm which would provide enough electricity for the town and for the greenhouses where Rupertites will grow the world’s best marijuana.
Other people running for Mayor were was Mary X. Sunshine a hard-core goth complete with black dress and coffin-shaped bag. She said that Council focused too much on the positive and should look to death for more answers. Prince Rupert could make coffins as value-added manufacturing or use the Charles Hayes connection to start its own cruise line called Titanic Cruises.
With the world all set to end in 2012, Sunshine says the town needs a mayor like her.
“Would you really want someone to lead you into the apocalypse that isn’t familiar withe the dark? I say no” she said.
There was also Tommy Tomkins, who according to the show’s host Chris Armstrong sounded like “the lovechild of Elmer Fudd and Gilbert Godfrey.” Tomkins believed that most of the town’s problems could be solved by bringing Sidney Crosby here.
Steven Huddlestone promised to end the teachers strike with an AK-47, and riled against the great and many evils that Adam Sandler has inflicted upon the world. To stimulate the town’s economy he would bring more “hookers and blow” into the city – he told the audience as he pretended to have sunglasses so he could do the CSI sunglasses move.
Then there was Coach.
Choach says that he loves Prince Rupert so much that he wishes he could make love to it. He says that the town needs to start feel good about itself again.
“A lot of people in this town don’t feel good about themselves. But I do! I mean look at me,” says Coach.
He then proceeded to make the make the show’s host do 10 push ups and talk about the necessity of having UFC in Prince Rupert; by which he meant Useful Forceful Councillors.
Everyone who attended the show was given a membership in the Theatre Society.